Creativity.

Halloween is a super fun party. Everyone knows that. People dress up, get wasted, chicks are sluts and dudes are retarded and everything is perfect. Some people don't dress up but whatever, no skin off my dick. That used to piss me off a lot but now I found a new gripe, lame costumes.
Yeah sure, I know you just got off work and you only had enough time to pop a blood capsule in your mouth and mess your hair up, I can handle that. What I can't handle is seeing like 400 assholes dressed like three things that suck.

The Lumberjack- This is bullshit for so many reasons. Normally worn by some hipster/indie/metal dude who already has a beard all the time and only wears flannel anyways. So basically what they did for their costume is tuck their shirt in and actually put on a pair of sensible shoes for the winter (instead of canvas vans or chucks). This amount of lazy is normally also reflected in the band they play in.

The Blockbuster- Every year there's a different one. We all know that movie came out, but we all didn't feel the need to do something so "current" and more boring than watching The Bridge Over the River Kwai with your grandmother and her friend on New Years Eve. (I've done this) What really gets me is that people spent a healthy amount of time constructing these costumes to be one of two million assholes who also are wearing the same shit.

The Hawt Hunk- I have never gotten laid on Halloween, ever. Even when I was living with a long term girlfriend. But then again my priorities were on something entirely different. Mostly drinking, doing drugs and yelling. At every bar or party there is at least two of these dudes, more if you're in a college town and they are trying to fuck anyone and anything. I'd have to say that they are pretty dedicated because it's on average about 30 degrees out and they're practically naked but serial bro, leave that whole "sexy" thing for the chicks. You'll be in Cabo soon enough, and there you never have to wear a shirt and date rape is legal.
So, do yourself a favor next year and do something different. Cross dress, make up your own animal, be a taco bell employee. Fuck it, be your dad. Just don't be a lame ass with no ideas who only serves the purpose of getting in my way when I'm trying to drink, do drugs, yell and most importantly - Not get laid on Halloween.

Diversity

When I was in high school I got a real bad case of food poisoning from Taco Bell that had me puking out my butt and crying out my throat and I swore I would never eat there again. Like most promises I make to myself, it lasted about a year and then I ran to the border harder than ever.
I normally need some "liquid courage" to really enjoy most fast food but Taco Bell seems to be the only approachable option when I'm seeing straight. However, I've found certain locations to be less than satisfactory. I didn't understand how the product could really differ that much when everything is pre-fabricated in a comisary kitchen/warehouse that serves multiple locations. I've racked my brain on this for years now and I think I've finally found the answer. The more Mexicans in the area, the worse the Taco Bell becomes.
At the main Boulder location (near the University of Colorado campus) the Bell is great. But if you drive ten miles the other direction towards a more Mexican part of town it becomes garbage. Have you ever had Taco Bell in El Paso? I have, and I'd rather eat out my dog then try to choke down one of those 7 layers again. It was horrible.
I WILL get to the bottom of this.
(And I'm not racist, with Mexicans at least....... Just Puerto Ricans, hate 'em)

Two rights don't make a thong.

Thongs have always grossed me out. If you don't want people to see your underwear lines, then do the rational thing and don't put any on. I don't see anything sexy about something I know has been touching your butt hole all day, even though I still will probably touch it as well.
It's even worse when the girls do that Aaliyah shit and have the straps all hanging out, like some sort of 12 yr old s idea of what's hot. God damn, have you no shame? No one cares that you have some wide ass chunk of fabric jammed up your butt crack except for that guy in the corner wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and Armani sunglasses inside, at night.
So if you are one of these chicks, take the hint. And if you're going to do it anyways and I can't stop you, at least buy some of these pants.

Snow

Today was the first time it started noticeably snowing in Boulder. You don't get a whole lot of fall round these parts. But I don't mind, the snow brings out the best in how people dress. When it's cold out you get layers and layers to either look like a complete jackass or a great Christmas present someone wants to unwrap.

The obvious choice in chick gear for this area is that whole UGG boots, tights, vest thing. It's a strange way to tackle the snowy weather because it doesn't really look good at all and it can't be that warm. When all you wear is UGGs and black tights it just looks like a malnourished Eskimo is naked from the waist down and has really bad frostbite. Get over it.




Something I'd like to see a lot of dudes doing this winter is going for the best look ever, the full-blown K2. Full snowsuit, frosty beard complete with snotcicles and those aviator glasses that have the leather on the sides. These guys are awesome because not only are they really sweet looking, but they also will cut something open and sleep inside of it like Han Solo on Hoth.
God, I need a girlfriend.

Taste

Why doesn't music have this sort of feeling anymore. Everything is so clean and comfortable that it just doesn't have the emotion that comes with smoking crack and doing a shit ton of heroin.
If you want feelings and emotion in your music, do heroin. If you want raw, dirty funk, then smoke crack. It's as simple as that. Do it.

Shoes

When I wear shoes, it's sometimes really nice to not wear socks with them. However, that presents a number of problems. It makes your feet sweat like a fat chick in a sauna and it makes em stink like a fat chick after a sauna.
My friend Graham gave me a little tip on keeping my hooves fresh while cutting down on laundry, Spray on Socks (our name for it).
All you need is 1 stick of Old Spice High Endurance and 1 bottle of rubber cement.

Step 1- Coat your entire feet with the Old Spice
Step 2- Coat your entire foot with Rubber Cement.
Step 3- Let dry

You're good to go!

I hope someone actually tries this. Seriously, just use the spray.

Dog Blog

I can't stop eating hotdogs and it's been that way for years. I actually eat so many of them that I've turned into somewhat of a dog snob. A lot of people will probably argue with this but there is really only one way to eat a hotdog and that's a Vienna Beef Chicago style hotdog.

"But there's this one cart outside this one bar that serves bacon wrapped dogs!". Who cares, and fuck that. It's some shitty ass no name dog that has to be wrapped in bacon to cover its sweatsock taste. I also "got beef" (sorry) with NYC street dogs and the likes of Greys Papaya. Like I want fucking ketchup only on my hotdog. Do I look like a fucking 7 year old? Do I have a koolaid mustache and cat shit all over my hands? Fuck you New York street dogs and the assholes who sell these lips and assholes.

Once you actually try one of these badboys prepaired the right way you'll never go back either. So here's my salute to Chicago's third best creation- The all beef frank. (The first best creations are R. Kelly and Twista)